


Finding Her

by parkiinsonpansy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Black Hermione Granger, F/F, F/M, Hermione finding herself pretty much, M/M, Matchmaker Pansy Parkinson, POV Third Person, Pansy in denial
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2018-12-20 16:44:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11925006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkiinsonpansy/pseuds/parkiinsonpansy
Summary: After the war, Hermione decides to go back to Hogwarts to finish her education. This decision causes a split between her and Ron, who, despite many fruitless attempts, can't get Hermione to be in love with him. During her reappearance at the wizarding school, she finds hope in a Slytherin with destroyed dreams who longs to be loved.





	1. Two Announcements Aren't Always Better Than One

 The war didn’t end silently. On the contrary, it ended with articles and reports and interviews about the boy who saved the Wizarding World. Harry James Potter became the subject of every magical news outlet in Britain. Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, The-Boy-Who-Lived’s best friends began dating right after Voldemort had been defeated. Their relationship was a compilation of awkward hugs, cheek kisses, and shaking off the other’s hand. Their first kiss had been passionate and in the heat of the moment, but now it was artless and childish.

 He very truly wanted to salvage whatever was left of the ruin they called “love”. Ron Weasley was taught to never give up in the face of destruction, which is what got him through the war. Living by that got him through much more, but it just didn’t seem work with her. Whenever he hugged her, it caught her off guard and she seemed frozen, keeping her arms by her side and eyes wide open. On the often occasions when he tried kissing her lips, trying to reenact their first action of love and recreate the sparks, she turned her head and he kissed her cheek instead. Trying to hold her hand became pointless, as she always shook his off and caused an awkward chuckle from everyone in the room.

 If Hermione Granger could ever be honest with herself it was about her loveless affair with Ron. She felt it was pointless in trying and was trying to come up with ways to break it off. Knowing the reason for his attempted redemption of their relationship made her feel worse: Ron Weasley didn’t want to be seen as a failure. Hermione knew much of that, she always had a fear of failing, it had become her boggart over time. She knew as well as anyone what it was like, but she could **_not_ ** continue like this, for his satisfaction. Ron and Hermione, no matter much Harry credited them as helping him in the defeat of the Dark Lord, were seen as the Boy-Who-Lived’s _good friends_. He felt the need to prove himself to everyone after that headline appeared.

 

* * *

 

 On the night of August 28th, 2000, Hermione made two announcements. The first took place at dinner at the Burrow surrounded by all of the remaining Weasley children and their wives and children (and Ginny and Harry with Teddy).

 “Mom! I’m sure Bill is a great father!” Was the first thing the young witch heard as she entered the kitchen.

 “Charlie, look at the way he’s holding that baby! What if someone held one of your dragons like that?” Molly Weasley was constantly watching how her kids treated theirs and with this many in the house, she was sure to be more watchful than ever.

 “Impossible! No one will ever touch my dragons!” Everyone stifled a laugh as they sat at the very large table. Dinner was eaten with tales from Ginny about how her Quidditch training was going while Harry talked about his latest catch as an auror, Charlie talked about dragons that were being brought in from Scandinavia and how their tails were laced with various horns and spikes along with how no Dragonologist had been able to tame them, Bill and Fleur went on about the cute things that Victoire did and dropped small hints about trying for a second baby, and concluded with George talking about the newest things that Weasley’s Wizards Wheezes was going to produce and everyone noticed the hollowness in his eyes and his drooping smile.

 When dessert was over, everyone stood up, ready to go up to bed. Hermione , however, called attention to herself as she readied to make her announcement. Everyone quieted as the curly-haired girl cleared her throat,

 “As I’m sure most of you know, for the past two years, the Ministry has been funding the rebuilding of Hogwarts. Because I turned down the job in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures on account of my lack of education, I have received an invitation to finish my seventh year...and I’ve decided to do it!” Everyone cheered for Hermione as she smiled and accepted the hugs from the family she had always loved.

 

* * *

 

 Later that night, as she walked up to Ginny’s room, exhausted from the day and ready to sleep, angry footsteps approached and a strong arm turned her completely around and a mop of ginger hair appeared in front of her.

 “So you just decided to go back to school and not tell me?” Ron asked fiercely.

 Hermione’s eyes narrowed and her jaw clenched as she spat, “I didn’t realize I needed your permission.” As she turned back around, Ron’s hand grabbed hers and once again turned her around.

 “That’s not at all what I said, don’t twist my words!” He began to raise his voice, “despite what you tell yourself, I’m still your boyfriend and I _do_ have a right to know when a decision like this is being made!”

 “I just made it today you absolute idiot! And no, you don’t need to know every aspect of my life Ron Weasley!” She yelled catching the attention of most of the Weasley children. “I’m a grown woman and I don’t need you to dictate my every decision!”

 With a face as red as his hair Ron also yelled, “I don’t get why we even try, it’s not like you even care about me!”

 Her face softened as she took his hand and announced softly, “I do care, I really do.” His hand gently took hers and led it to his chest.

 “My heart beats for you, and only you, but can you say the same thing?” Tears welled in his eyes as she took hesitation in answering. “I see,” his hand dropped hers as he began to walk away.

 “Ron wait,” he turned around slowly at her soft voice, “I care, I really do, I care so much. But I’d be lying if I said that my heart beats for you.”

 For the second time that night Hermione Granger made an announcement, “I love you, but I’m just not in love with you, and I just can’t keep pretending that I can for your sake. You don’t want to be seen as a failure and I get that, but upholding this-this image is impossible and I can’t take it anymore. I want so badly to be in love with you but I’m not and pretending that I am is hurting you and that’s the last thing I want. I’ve decided to stop hurting you and let you finally be happy.”


	2. Thinking Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermione goes back to Hogwarts, but only to find an unexpected inhabitant of the school as well.

Hermione Granger was never one to wallow in self pity, but for three days after her breakup with Ron, she sat in the room she shared with the youngest Weasley sibling and cried into her knees. On the evening of August 31st, Ginny kindly decided to remind her that the next day she had to be at King’s Cross Station to board the Hogwarts Express. Barely holding her head up, she nodded and got up from the bed to put her trunk by the door and to lay out her outfit for the next day. 

“We’ve decided to go back,” a soft voice came from the other bed. Hermione looked back, confusion obvious on her red face. “Harry, Ron and I; we’re going back to Hogwarts.” Hermione only nodded and went back to her bed where Ginny stopped her. “I know damn well that you’re not going back to bed without taking a shower after not doing so for three days!” The older witch’s cheeks turned a bright red as she grabbed a towel from the redhead and walked out to the bathroom. 

After her shower, Hermione put on a fresh pair of PJ’s and laid down on the bed to find that the sheets had been changed (courtesy of Mrs. Weasley, of course). Her depressed episode caused many things, a lack of sleep being one of them, and she immediately fell asleep. 

At 7:30, the smell of breakfast wafted to the upper level of the house, waking up its inhabitants. Hermione quickly threw on a pair of jeans and a loose sweater and briskly walked down the stairs to the source of the amazing smell to find Ron already at the table, eating and not seeming to notice her. Not wanting confrontation, she moved on to Mrs. Weasley who handed her an already made plate and thanked her with a genuine smile which was graciously returned. Soon after, the rest of the family came down and chatted amongst themselves. 

Eventually, it was time for the four returning students to leave the house. They said their goodbyes and then made their way to the station they hadn’t been to--in what seemed like--so long. The feeling of being in the busy train station brought back memories of their first time being there for each of the young witches and wizards. As they entered platform 9 ¾, they said their goodbyes to Mrs. Weasley and entered the train where Ron and Harry went a separate way from Ginny and Hermione. 

The two girls sighed with contentment as they sat down across from each other and knew that it would be a great year at the wizarding school. They talked aimlessly for a few minutes but stopped when the clock struck 11 and they looked at each other and smiled widely. Of course, the knew, that their future time spent at Hogwarts would not be as hectic as their previous because of the takedown of the dark lord but, nevertheless, were still excited. 

Suddenly, an airy voice came from the corridor of the train and Luna Lovegood asked if she could sit with the two. Hermione looked at Ginny for confirmation but she seemed to be distracted by the blonde witch. Hermione nodded and Luna sat down beside the Weasley. After a few minutes, a feminine voice came, again, from the corridor to ask the same question. This time, the inquisitor was well-known Pansy Parkinson. 

Her black hair came down to her ribs in two french braids and was no longer bluntly cut across her forehead in bangs, the outfit she donned was a long-sleeved white shirt that was barely longer than her hair paired with a black skirt that came to mid-thigh overtop a pair of fishnet stockings that melded into a pair of forrest green high top Chuck Taylors, and her face--which was known for being in a sneer--was veiled in a light layer of makeup but still seemed lifeless and dull. 

“U-uh s-s-sure,” Hermione’s answer was stuttered and her bronzed hand directed the Slytherin to the seat beside her. She smiled and took a seat. 

“Sorry for intruding, everywhere else was full,” Hermione had never heard this girl--or most other Slytherins--genuinely apologize. Hermione tried to assure her that it wasn’t a problem but words couldn’t seem to come out of her mouth so it just stayed agape. Pansy smiled at her loss of words and suddenly (and for the first time) Hermione felt insecure about her outfit. Her gold and red sweater was two sizes bigger than she was, making her appear lost in the fabric, her jeans were ripped in certain areas, and her Converse were tattered and dirty. 

“I-I think I’m gonna go change into my r-robes now,” Hermione managed as she realized that the train was soon to arrive at the school. She got her robes out of her bag and practically ran into the corridor only to be met with another Slytherin, this time, a blonde one. “Draco? You’re going back to Hogwarts too?”

“You sound surprised. As if I would pass off an opportunity to finish my education,” he looked past her and his cheeks turned pink and he quickly looked down. Hermione quizzically turned around but only saw Harry and Ron also going to change into their robes. She turned around and Draco was gone. She shrugged and continued to her destination. 

Under the moonlight, the Black Lake shimmered in a way that made Hermione smile, as well as the full view of a remodeled Hogwarts. The school that she knew would always be her home, seemed happier as there was no impending death threat waiting for the students. Ginny smiled as well, “I can’t believe it’s been two years, ‘Mione.” Hermione could only nod as they exited the train. She could faintly hear Ron in the distance talking about the feast the awaited them. Her shoulders fell as she realized that this would probably be the most awkward year yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long, I promise I'm going to start writing more regularly now I just wasn't in a good mental place and I'm still not there yet, but it's better!


	3. Just A Bit of Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The war took so much, including feeling. So what is just a bit of feeling like to its victims.

On September 2, 2000 at 2:36 A.M, what can only be described as crowds of people woke up in a cold sweat just as they had been for the past two years. They shot up from their beds, foreheads covered in sweat yet they shivered with fear and anxiety as one name fell from their lips in exasperated sighs, “Voldemort!” The common rooms of the four houses of Hogwarts were filled with tear filled adults. These adults spent their childhoods being just that, adults. They never really got to be children. All of the adults that filled the common rooms fought an evil presence at the expense of being children. Most would shiver at the thought of having to fight a presence as evil of the once Dark Lord. At the time they brushed it off, but it came back to them. The thought came back in waves, filling their dreams with brutal images of losing the ones they did, parents, siblings, friends, _kids_. The thought came back in scars of not only the mental impact but the scars left by death eaters casting illegal curses. It came back in fear of the things that would once made them laugh.

* * *

 

Draco Malfoy was a death eater. He knew what a horrible person he had been. His actions haunted him in the form of a mark. A mark he hid with long sleeves and scratch marks. No matter what he tried, the mark would not budge. The mark, he feared would move again. This constant reminder laid upon his arm under a mountain of tears and regret. His father, another reminder of his mistakes, was rotting away in Azkaban. Draco knew Harry Potter, oh how he knew Harry Potter. The thought of coming back to Hogwarts at the same time as the hero made him anxious as he imagined the horrible words that would shatter his already broken heart. But no words had even been tossed at Draco Malfoy, and for some reason, that hurt him more.

Ginny Weasley was the only daughter of what was once six boys. She was taught to resist. Resist the idiocy her brothers brought, resist the temptations of her thoughts, but worst of all, resist herself. She lived in a broken home missing a heart and she felt as if she were missing her own. Fred took the brightness of the entire Weasley family with him when he died. She wanted to feel but it seemed the war took that too. How desperately she wanted to feel something, anything would suffice, anger, sadness, joy, but she was too tired. Ginny Weasley had depression but it appeared as if everyone did, but at least they felt something.

Harry Potter was a hero but he didn’t feel like one. He felt like a defective toy going in a continuous cycle of being built, breaking, and being rebuilt. Whenever he found joy in the slightest, it was taken from him like the day takes the sun as it leaves. He attempted to find reassurance in everything he could but he was grasping at straws. The scar that graced his forehead proved him a hero to others but to him felt like a permanent reminder of Tom Riddle. He wanted to forget, to start over, to not have the constant image of his friends’ lifeless bodies on the grounds of the place he thought to be safest, or his godfather’s body falling through the veil as Bellatrix Lestrange laughed, or having the image of Tonks and Remus in their son, Teddy. Harry Potter wanted to be happy again but he had to be the hero everyone knew him to be.

Luna Lovegood was weird and she knew this. She knew the mean things people had said about her in the hallways after she passed them. The young blonde knew but her concerns were with the people who considered her a friend. Her mind stayed curious, her mouth stayed asking, but her heart stayed being tugged at the constant thought of death. She helped Harry Potter save the wizarding world and felt good about it. She knew she had done a good thing but her mind was lured to a place of darkness. Luna Lovegood appeared as happy as ever but she, too, sat in her common room on her first night back at the wizarding school.

Ron Weasley never thought himself to be particularly outstanding. He had average grades and lived in what he thought was an average family. His average lifestyle was pulled apart strand by strand by Harry Potter. He didn’t hate him for it, Harry had always been his best friend and that would hopefully never change. Harry made his life incredible, he gave Ron confidence in himself. But the war affected everyone, like it always does, even Ron. His brother was ripped from him like fabric. He knew fair, or thought he did, but he assumed that wasn’t fair. Ron Weasley knew his emotions but the war left them in puzzle pieces and no way of knowing how to put them back together.

Pansy Parkinson lost a lot of things during the war, including her dignity and her parents. They had been death eaters and sent to Azkaban after a short trial. She felt empty inside, but thought there was never really anything to begin with. Nobody suspected the Slytherin to feel bad but she did. Even she had been scared during the time of darkness. She knew her parents to be death eaters and knew they would pay for their actions. Her fear brought on depression and she didn’t know how to escape it. Pansy Parkinson was raised on fear but didn’t know she was scared.

Hermione Granger had always been an outstanding witch. She was a muggleborn so nobody expected much from her, so her outstanding abilities brought on amazement and confusion. Her abilities were used often through the war. Even though they won, she felt like she had lost a part of her. Her brightness disappeared with age, as the danger increased each year. Her home didn’t feel like a home and she felt _gone_. She was there, in person, with her friends, but she was gone, her mind in a different time, a darker time and she couldn’t come back. Fake laughing and smiling had become a specialty and it wasn’t something she wanted to show off. Dark thoughts overtook her brain making it impossible to think or even see clearly. Hermione Granger was scared to see who she had become.

* * *

 

As the common rooms quickly filled with teary eyed students, Hermione wandered around the halls, not exactly caring if she got caught. Her head stayed pointed at the ground as her feet shuffled ungracefully down the corridors. Eventually, she found herself sitting on a balcony ledge, staring at the brightly lit stars. A voice called, “Don’t jump, please.” As she turned around, she immediately noticed Pansy Parkinson. Lifelessly chuckling, she replied, “Wasn’t planning on it,” and looked back to the sky. The black haired girl was quick to join her on the ledge, throwing her pajama clad legs over the railing and using her hands to steady herself. A comfortable silence filled the setting as they looked at the stars, yet stealing small glances at each other.

Pansy was first to speak, “What are you doing out here? You don’t seem like the type to risk getting caught wondering about,” her eyes focused on the dark-skinned girl. “To be honest, I didn’t think I was either, but here I am,” Hermione noticed Pansy’s hair in a messy high bun with black strands framing the girl’s face. Pansy nodded, not wanting to pry, and stared at the sky in a daze. A light gust of wind gently blew Hermione’s curly hair into her mouth and she moved her hand from its resting place on the ledge to fix it, it grazed the other witch’s arm. Neither of them made it seem like a big deal but they both felt a jolt of _something_. What is was, neither of them cared because for the first time since 1998, they felt something. They spent the rest of what was left of the night sitting there, pondering the thing they felt but never speaking of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while and I'm so sorry for that, but I hope this long chapter makes up for it.


End file.
